how much rejection can one take

If I wasn't done with men yesterday I am done with them now. Not to mention the next person who decides that email is the best way to end things with me is going to get such a shit storm from me. And with that regard I am no longer going to open anymore emails. Its just best for me to assume that they don't want to see me again. This is what Scott had to write me this morning:

hey (my name), sorry I didn't get back to you when you called.. The reason I have been sorta quiet is I have actually been seeing someone and honestly, at this point I don't think its a good idea for us to see each other.. I hope all is well with you and hopefully we will stay in touch!

take care

good 'ol hump day

I stayed home from work today for a few reasons. First of all Tuesday was the second night in a row were I decided that drinking a bottle of wine as going to solve something and I would still be functionally the next morning...my mind lied to me. Secondly, the City of Chicago thought it was a good idea to repair a water/sewage problem at 10:30 last night they were still going at it at about 1:30 a.m. when I finally knocked off to sleep. I don't know if my voice sounded sick, tired or hungover when I called in this morning, frankly I don't care.

At the moment. I think its best if men stay away from me at the moment and I stay away from them. I know I'm saying this now and all I'm sure I will change my mindby the end of the day. I thought I had stopped trying to figuremen out, which I have. I have no expectations when I go out with someone now and still I'm baffled at the male psyche. Geeesh boys...get it together.

wrong! try again

Us folks in Chicago are blessed with a little daily newspaper called the RedEye. I love it, it was intentionally designed for those of us who commute via public transportation and for those between the ages of 18-35(everyone reads it though). It consist of Pop News, just major headlines, locally and nationally, etc. Every Monday they have Romance Planet (aka the weekly horoscope). I'm not so much a big believer but I am hopeful until today.

"You're having tons of fun with your current squeeze. The sex is better than you've ever had. The two of you are compatible on multiple levels. Better yet, your partner's IQ is greater than his or her shoe size for once. Things are looking up."

WRONG!!! Things are looking down. I'm in a relationship that I can't seem to find the door out of yet. I was dumped last week by someone who very much could have been in reference to that horoscope. My dating cycle has been at an all time low.

signs, scions & such

I have always been a strong believer in signs. They surround us constantly, but most of the time we just don't stop to pay attention to them. Once you do notice them you have to wonder if there good or bad.

"Big D" drives a Scion. Before we started are little tryst I never noticed them. Afterwards everywhere I turn I see one. It seemed like I can't go two blocks from the house without seeing one. Now I see at least one every single day. I know its just a car, but at the same time I think to myself, 'this has to be a sign of some sorts'. The next question I had to ask myself was, 'what kind of sign of this?' Everytime I see one I think about him.

This weekend I really missed him. I haven't had this feeling about anyone in a very longtime. I was sitting outside having a smoke and my heart just ached for him. I just want to see him. I want him to hold me. I want his lips against the nape of my neck, like so many previous weekends.

We did chat briefly tonight and it felt so empty. I almost told him that I don't think we can just be friends. I know when I see him again (if I ever do), it is going to feel so strange. I don't know if there is going to be a warm embrace or not.

Right now all I know is that its sunday night and my heart aches for "Big D".

c.a.w.(comments are welcomed)

Okay people, I know people are reading my blog so why are there no comments? I know how this works, someone makes a comment on your gives you feedback and vice versa. I know some of my entries have been long(geesh) soory about that. Feel free to be judgemental. I like it. And I know, be careful what I ask for, it might come true.

grrr....

Well, I'm pretty sure that monday's post is partly the reason why I have not had the strength to write anything, but its not.

Monday night my computer went on strike, it was windows fault not mine(rare). Finally Tuesday after work I got on the phone(dreaded) and spent the next hour on the phone with some who i'm sure was in India. He finally told me that I should back all of my things up before he proceeded to help me fix the problem. So I ran my computer over to Best Buy and hopefully it should be ready for me today.

I am a mess without my computer. I do have one for work, but that is strictly work. I will not do anything personal on my work computer(I'm on a friends computer now at her office, what do I care, I don't work here). I will not even check my email unless it is through the work account and only a handful of people non-work related have that address.

Anyway, this is driving me crazy, I tried to convince my mother to hook me up to an iv with dsl last night. I'm jonsing like a crackhead. So, when I finally get my computer back(please tonight) I can actually start complaining about other things in life.

no. 10: sunday morning love

I can not and will not call this one a mis-adventure(at least not yet). I won't even share his name or the link to his myspace page(maybe later), I will however refer to him by his stage name and if after I do a search and it comes up then it must be changed.

The story: We met through a mutual friend. My friend Tom thought it would be a great idea for me to talk to "Big D". Tom sent me his number and email address. I figured I would stick to email and just see before phone numbers were exchanged. Anyway this was sometime in late February or March that we began to chat. About nothing at all. I knew he was a musician and that was about it. It didn't seem to be going anywhere so I didn't bother. Then a few weeks later we started to chat via messanger and the topic of conversation always seemed to be about his music, which I have to say I'm crazy about, he is a brilliant harmonica player and singer. How fitting I fall for a man who sings the blues.

April 28th "Big D" had a show in the city and I decided I would go and check it out. I was a little unsure of how we would respond to each other, would it be awkward etc. I walked into this hole-in-the-wall bar(calling it a dive is to generous) and there he is was playing the harp. As soon as he saw me he gave me a wink and smile. Now, I was starting to feel good about this entire set up and Tom was there as well so it wasn't completely weird. He took a break and came over to say hello and chat, bought me a beer(we share the love of PBR). Then it was back on stage for another set. This lasted for 2 more hours until they were done playing. Afterwards "Big D" and I sat around and talked about any and everything. I thought to myself this is going pretty good, but I can't read him for sure so I'm just going to hangout and have a good time. That good time lasted until almost 4 a.m when we left the bar and then decided to go get something to eat(burritos are 24 hrs in Chicago). We dropped Tom off at home and went out. Finally after we ate he took me back to my car and I got home sometime when the sun was coming up.

The next day(that afternoon) we chatted, both agreeded it was a good time and made plans to go out again the following week. Everything was set for that Thursday, but at the last minute I changed my mind and asked for a rain check. He didn't seem to mind, but I thought to myself that I may have blown my chance to get to know him.

A few weeks later we were chatting via messenger and I was in the mood to get out of the house. I asked if he was game and he was. He was thinking of coming into the city anyway to go to a harmonica jam and he would pick me up at about 8:30. So "Big D" arrives, I get in the car and he greets me with a hug. This is nice I thought, considering this is the first time we've really been out on a "date". We get to the place and hangout for awhile, of course they ask him to get up on the stage and play(he is a genius on the harp), we leave and he says, "where to next?" I'm thinking home considering its 11p.m. and he has to work and I have a job. Well I can think quickly on my feet and suggest Buckingham Fountain even though they turn it off at 11. He doesn't care and wants to go anyway. So we walk over there, no lights at all and talk and talk and talk. By now I figure either he is really shy or is only interested in me as a friend, which is fine. Finally at 2 a.m. he is ready to go home.

Now at this point I don't know what to think, I figure one more try at another evening out and then we can go from there. The weekend coming up was MayFest. We decide on Saturday night to hangout again. So its after 7:30 and I haven't heard from him so I call him and no answer. I don't jump to conclusions, I think he probably fell asleep after work. Then he calls and apologizes and invites me out, 'sure' , I say and get ready to go. We go to the bar and drink our $1 cans of Schlitz and talk(nothing new there). Then we go back to him place and have a few more beers(like 4 more). By now it is 3:30 a.m. I'm thinking make a move or I'm going home. "Big D" says to me, 'so are we just friends or are we going to kiss?' For once I was speechless, you waited this long to ask me that. I finally tell him, that if we were just going to be friends I wouldn't still be on his couch at 3:30 in the morning. He agrees and the lips lock. I'm glowing by now and the birds are starting to sing. He asked if I intended to drive home, 'no', I reply, 'good' as he smiles at me. We spent the rest of the evening/morning making out and cuddling. It felt so right, I thought to myself I have finally found the Sunday kind of love I was looking for.

The next week we talked on the phone every night, I didn't even have to call him. I'm thinking this has to be something. Nowadays men don't behave like this. Then Saturday came along, it was my birthday and we made plans to meet at the blues bar, were he was performing and hangout the rest of the evening. By 2 a.m. I realized this was starting to become habit, we went and got Mexican food, I ran into a friend who was curious as to whyI was sans engagement ring and with a man who is not my fiancee(will explain later). Afterwards we headed back to my place and got comfy between the sheets again. The next morning as we laid in bed together, he traced my back with his hand and kissed the nape of my neck. Then it was off for our morning coffee and a stroll(second weekend in a row).

I have to say I just knew that good things were happening. Monday night we hungout again and he had even asked me to attend a wedding with him in July. Then this morning I wake up and the first thing I read when I get to the computer:

Im sorry(not using my real name). The wake I went to last weekend was for an ex-girlfriend's father and I've been wrapped up helping her and her mom out. It seems that I still have feelings for her and care much about her family. Im sorry I haven't acted more responsibly in our situation. Best wishes. ("Big D"He did leave his real name)

I was devastated to say the least. But I'm just not settling for that. I really think that we may actually be able to have something, even if I have to be friends for now, which is just stupid on my part. I just can't let this guy go this easily. Am I really this dumb for thinking that I can change his mind?

(mis)adventure no. 4

Just in case you are wondering, there is a reason this is no. 4 of my (mis)adventures. Referring to the number of guys that I have been involved with since February. There was is now a total of 14 and I have no idea if there will be anymore. There also out of order because well..you will just have to read to find that out.

no. 4 - Spiro

He was Greek, 100% GREEK, born and raised in Athens, Greece. He is 41 years old and has been in Chicago for the last 12 years. For some reason unknown to me, it is my luck that I never seem to date the same guy twice. Lucky, lucky me!

I met Spiro(can't get anymore Greek than that) in March, I thought hey I'll give it a try. Our first date was at an ultra-lounge. I hate those places, dark, couches you can't get your ass out of, anyway. We get there, find a couch and of course I go straight for my Dirty Martini and apparently never looked back the rest of the night. So we talked, I can't even say what about looking back on it. He was intriguing, Mediterranean and an accent. I'm weak people, WEAK! Next thing I know I'm amazing out with him on the couch. 15 minutes later he decides we should leave and go back to his place. I'M WEAK!

Now I know this might sound slightly naive of me, but I didn't think what happened was going to happen. After all we had only really met twice and this was the first time we were actually spending time together. Well I went back to his place and had the best sex of my life. Yeah. I'm just going to put this out there, but if one ever manages to walk your way, try it on for size.

Here it is June, and we still see each other here and there. Our schedules do not mesh well, which I actually like, except when hes horny. I do like the passion that he has when I'm with him, I'm able to disappear for a few hours at a time, have a great meal, a few drinks and mind-blowing sex and no strings attached.

To wrap this up, my GREEK! will be gone for a month. He is leaving for Italy Monday, then Austria and home to Greece for a few weeks. I wonder what life is going to be like without him. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens in the next few weeks. All I know is that we are seeing each other tonight. I went out and bought a new outfit, g-string, etc. And I plan on rocking his world tonight. That is so not like me....Ha!

Nuff said.....

It was just one of those days.....

Could This Possibly Work?

Last night ABC Premire How to Get The Guy. I wasn't going to miss this. I have to say I am obsessed with the single life, throw in some reality-tv I'm there. Missed being single terribly up until a few months ago(i might be a commitment-phobe). I think I missed it becuase for some reason I get fuel from rejection, disapointment and the thought of new love. Last year they aired the summer series Log Into Love about online dating, it's always fun to see that your not the only person going through all the mess for nothing in return. So back to last night.

First episode of How to Get the Guy.

They introduced the girls: Anne-The Girl Next Door, Kris- The Party Girl, Michelle- The Career GIrl and Alissa- The Dreamer. Along with their dating coaches JD and Teresa.

First line:"All of these women share the same hope, to find the guy, but not just any guy, but The One guy".

Chapter 1-Get Into the Game

They had all the women make a pledge right then and there:"I (state name here) do solemnly swear, to dedicate myself to finding true love and I am ready to start right now!"

So from then on, as dating coaches JD and Teresa decide to help Anne. She says that she has a problem giving guys the signal that she is avaliable, their suggestion.

Lesson no. 164-Drop the Hanky

1. eye contact
2. smiling
3. proximity

They had her go to a book store and try to strike up conversations with men and get their attention. It was more like stalking which it feels like anytime you see someone who catches your eye and you want them to notice you. My take on the entire thing. One signal short from falshing a guy and saying hey you can take me home, becuase these dating coaches aren't teaching me a damn thing.

Rule no. 21- Dating is a Numbers Game

All of the ladies did a series of speed dating. Personally I have done this, just recently actually. The concpet is a disaster and we call know it, but talking to 10-15 different guys in less than an hour is great fun, If only for you and your friend to laugh at the situation for weeks to come. That was the result in my case.

Love Coach Event no.1-Signal Party

So it was one of those parties were friends and families invite those who are single and so forth. If your taken you wear a redb button, if single a green button. Meanwhile the women are running back and forth and being coached on how to score a date. Michelles comment "It's like looking for a needle in a haystack, there is no point". Well I somewhat agree with her, but then again this women seems like she doesn't want to flirt or share unless she has seen a resume first.

Lesson no.16-First Date Manifesto

Anne actually got a date from attending the signal party and JD and Teresa were more than eager to coach her to her way to a second date. The rules according to the dating coaches.

1. don't over drink
2. don't over-share
3. don't bring up an ex

Last but not least ***pay him a compliment***

Lets just say that there was nothing new that I'm sure many of us single gals have not heard before. I am thinking that I actually might follow the rules and lessons that they suggested just to see if they actually work. I have a week until the next episode...stay tuned.

After All: It Is My Life

It finally hit me that I am too f***n' young to get married.

What the hell was I thinking?

This past weekend everytime I talk to the man and we discuss out wedding plans, my chest tightens and I get dizzy. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. He even asked me why I haven't had much to say lately about any of our plans for the future. Thats becuase I have yet to decide if we still have a future together.

All I do know is that I still have yet figure out the life that I am entirely meant to have. I also realize I may never know. But Ido want to have the opportunity to at least find out, I can't do that if I think my marriage may be a mistake.

I'm just going to say that you really need to wait until your in your late 20's and beyond before you even start thinking about marriage. Last night I found out that the root origin for the word 'marriage' means to gamble. I'm not a gambling woman so I guess that answers my question. Now all I need to do it figure out how to tell him withour breaking his heart. All while I try to save mine.

It Comes and It Goes

So yesterday was my birthday...woohoo!

I just never enjoy it and I have no reason why. I mean dont get me wrong I love the cards, flowers and gifts who doesn't? But at the same time its just another day and after about 5 minutes, I like to move on.

I had a plan, drink PBR & Jameson all night. And thats what I did and I got to see a very special friend of mine perform. He is a dynamic young harmonica player.

There is really not more to say because I'm still on a high from having a great time last night and lets just say that my pillow still smells of my genius harp player.
Sigh.

Life is Shit Storm

…..and the reason this blog is called artificial sweetener, because everything I give is never truly I but I am working on that as you will see.

Its been almost 2 yrs since I stopped blogging . There were times when I missed it and time when I could care less about it. Then recently I realized that so much shit is going on with me, could not stay bottled up any longer. So let me just say the last few months I became a very busy person projects due, working 15-18 hr days, running purely from caffeine and nicotine. My father also became very ill in the process and has been in the hospital since April, and my fiancée lives 2,000 miles away. So calling me crazy was an understatement. But I kept on chugging along and was very successful with my work and even earned my self a position on an executive board of professionals.

Maybe it does not seem too bad, huh. Well there is one more other thing that is making stuff a tad bit complicated(insert wind gust for shit storm now) I've been seeing other men and I will one by one share with you all these men with whom I have all had the pleasure of getting to know good and bad.