someone must like me

As you already know, I am constantly playing goalie for bullshit, it’s a full-time job. That was not the case Thursday afternoon. Someone must have been looking out for me. I had a luncheon/awards show Thursday for the professionals’ organization I belong to. I had to leave early and get back to the office before class that night. I’m waiting on the corner of LaSalle and Grand in front of Maggiano’s, for my car, when it happened. I saw him and I couldn’t even believe my eyes. I saw Charlie (part 1 & part 2), I didn’t even take a seconded look, I took a third and a forth. There he was coming my way. I stood frozen in time. When I looked up and saw him coming he was just halfway across the street, it felt like it was taking him forever to even reach me. I think, no, I know he tried to play it off. He smiled at me and barely turned to acknowledge me. Just then the valet pulled up with my car. He stopped, there were awkward jesters made, do we kiss? Hug? What? Conversation was brief, hi how are you?

Then I just walked away, got my keys and drove off. I was shaking. I was such a wreck; I didn’t have anyone to call (at least that was immediately available). Once I got back to Michigan Ave. I lit a cigarette. I was freaking back all five minutes back to the office. I went through the garage, security, pit stop at Starbuck’s. I sat my coffee down and went into the bathroom. I stood there in front of the mirror, and then it hit me. For once that did not go that bad. At least not as bad as I was replaying it in my head, I had to step out of myself for a moment. When I did I realized a few things, I was well put together, my hair was down, I had on makeup, earrings, heels and I happened to be driving a new car, that was purchased about a month after Charlie and I ended. At that moment I knew that for once someone was looking out for me this time. All my ducks (at least to him) appeared to be in a row. Score one for me! Then I went back to my desk to write him an email, I had deleted his info, so I sent a message to about three different emails, saying, “It was great seeing you this afternoon.” I spent the rest of the afternoon working. Sitting in class that night I was texting a few friends, I looked to answer a message and it was from Charlie. Surprised? More than you can guess. I never got an email response, but I did get something. (My name), hi nice to see you today, I hope things are going well, would love to talk this weekend. I’m still speechless and have not responded back yet. I guess its time for me to publish no. 9 Charlie (part 3).

As far as what the next step is I don't have a damn clue.

i have nothing new to report

San Fransico never happened this weekend. It actually had nothing to do with "Big D" it was more like the tornado warning that Chicago got at about 5 after 6 Friday evening. It woke me up from my nap. It was crazy. All I could think was I didn't want to die in my apartment with two cats. I know very dramatic. The tornado siren hasn't gone off in Cook County since the 60's. Which means I've never heard it before. I have been in the midst of tropical storms and hurricanes, but never something so close to home or at home for that matter. And yes, my dumb ass got the idea to go outside and be a storm chaser. I'll post the pics, not that they are that great, but hey, that was the most exciting to happen to me in weeks (other than my serenade). But it went as fast as it went.

obiter dicta

An incidental remark or observation; a passing comment.

the serenade

I am so fuckin weak! If just once I would be as strong as I always preach things might actually be different for me. I seriously thought I needed to go back to the emergency room when I heard “Big D” outside of my window on his harp. And there I stand in a t-shirt and panties peeking throw my blinds and running from room to room just to get a better a view. It was one of those moments when my mind has to spring into action and I have to think on my feet (boo, not a fan at all!). I need to say something. What do I say? I should go out there. Where are my shoes? Oh shit where are my pants? You know all of my usually antics that provide me not to think so clearly on a daily basis.

So I call him.

Me: Why are you outside of my apartment?

Big D: Why don’t you come outside and find out?

Me: Well, I was planning on it, but I was just making sure I wasn’t hallucinating again.

I went outside and he said he wanted to make peace on the whole situation and to spend some time together. I was adamant, but willing. He took me to Buckingham Fountain. He talked about how he couldn’t make up his mind earlier this summer and that he realized that his ex was just that his ex. OK HEAD IS SPINING AT THE POINT. OF ALL THE GUYS AND WE’RE TALKING 15 AND COUNTING THIS IS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS EVER MADE ME THINK WHAT IF. AND NOW I’M THINKING WHAT THE FUCK! He talked about how his trip was really all about him finding himself and something he needed to do before he really settled down into whatever life was ready to offer him, blah, blah, blah (just kiss me at this point). I told him that I was more frustrated then hurt. I had no expectations of him and me and that I still didn’t. I really opened my heart to him Monday night, like I have never done before. He understood and really listened to me and I tried my best to listen to him. No conclusions were made that night, we just said what we had to say to each other and left it at that. However, I do have a ticket to San Fransico this weekend to see him play at the Blues Fest there. I just don't know if I'm going to get on the plane or not.

laundry list

I'm making a list because it has been a week since I've written anything and a fwe things have happened.

1.Glad you like the new template Wombat …anything to please you sir.

2.I apologize for the sometimes often incoherent post…highly stressed at the moment and in those states my dyslexia becomes more apparent then under normal circumstances…YES I AM DYSLEXIC!!

3.As for the fragile info posting, it concerned “Big D”, we made arrangements to see John Mayer last Saturday, and he stood me up.

4.I posted an ad on CL, found a nice guy, Matt, and had a great time.

5.Refused to answer any of “Big D” phone calls.

6.The Greek sent me another email asking me how I was, still haven’t responded to the first one.

7.Dean has bad timing when he wants to get laid.

8.Spent Sunday night in the emergency room because I was dehydrated.

9.Missed a shitload of work Monday for being sick.

10.Faintly heard a harp playing outside my window last night.

11.Figured I was hallucinating and it was too good to be true if it was who I could only hope it could be

12.I nearly shat myself, it was “Big D”. No man has ever made a jester of good will like that before, not even when I got engaged.

13.BTW, totally absurd to be mentioning my impending engagement and all the men I fool around with, time to make a decision.

14.tick tock tick tock…

15.I spend more time justifying and configuring how not to do something then actually doing it.

16.I’ve taken procrastination to a new level.

17.You thought myspace was the devil. Have you been on facebook?

18.Fiancé wants to go to Palm Springs or San Diego for vacation in a few weeks, he finally decided I might be more important than work.

19.Had a crazy dream that involved the fiancé and Scott, I took them to the same resturant and then proceeded to keep them apart the entire night.

20.That dream should have been my first clue I was dehydrated.

21.I want to quit school, work life in general.

22.Applying for another Masters program, this one should land me my dream job.

23.Exhausted just from this list.

friday night

THANK GOD FOR GERMAN AMERICAN FEST!!!!

And also the fact that I live within walking distance makes it even better. My neighborhood is known for being the German Town of Chicago. So about 3 times a year there is always some kind of festival going on and of course the main event is the drinking, the cold beer and the 20 something ounce steins that it come in. A few years ago I had too much in a short amount of time and passed out on my toilet and didn’t know my name for hours. Luckily this year was not the case.

Well that was just some background.

I went to meet Michael. I knew he would be with people that we went to high school with. Every time there is one of these things it turns into a high school reunion. He said he was at Jeremy’s and there was only one other person there that I’ve known since the 5th grade. Fine I thought as long as SHE is not going to be there. HER, I have known since the 7th grade, we went to grade school and high school together. I can’t stand the bitch. Never have. Before high school it was such a small group of friends I had no choice but to be in her presence. The problems with these situations are that Michael is friends with everybody (he is that guy). I AM NOT!! I got there and of course people were gawking at my engagement ring asking me questions about my fiancée (I somewhat have been having a renewed since of faith). The two other guys that graduated a year before us showed up Moses and Juan. It was a great time just filling in the ‘what’s what’ in life. Then Ben showed up and Chris (who I knew I had seen around school) and then it happened, he showed up, Brian (I use to call him My Brian) I have been in love with this boy since the first day of high school. I was obsessed like single white female obsessed. And SHE was with him. I really didn’t care its mutual, I don’t like you, you don’t like me attitude. Just stay out of each other’s way and all is well. The guys are great. I always have so much fun feeling like a part of the boys club.

It was a great start to the weekend ahead.

I drank two of the suckers and stumbled the entire 4 blocks home, alone.

pictures from friday night

I have no idea.

Again... I have no idea.

I never get tired of that.

Ben makes it look painful.

All the boys...I love em!

My Brian

*Actual post will follow later (damn beta blogger).

i am such a whore

While lying on the couch this morning, I inadvertently lifted one of the seat cushions for adjustment and found a pair (a favorite pair on top of it) of undies. I was so damn puzzled. I remember, but I don’t remember they must have been hiding out for going on two months.

I’m terrible.

I will get to events of this weekend. In this case pictures are crucial and I need to find connector so I can upload them to the computer.

As much as I try and try to go against the grain sometimes it’s for the better when I just go with the flow of things. I’m beyond exhausted, yet still standing and the bags under my eyes have formed new bags. But…I am no longer complaining because having a restless night actually paid off for once.

The news is too exciting and fragile to share at the moment. I just hope all goes well and I can actually say it out loud. You know how it is when something is so fragile you’re afraid that if you say it out loud it won’t come true?

I'm just wandering how many times its going to take this guy to realize who I am every single time he decides to send me an instanst message and then ask me what my age and location is again and again. Then again I could just stop responding.

paranoia

As a few of my fellow bloggers have experienced I think I might have to move my blog, because it may be reaching some unwanted readers. I will leave it at that for the moment.