Life Review: 2006

The year was full of ups and downs, joyous moments, followed by sorrows that inevitably managed to cross my path, frustration only tears later soothe. I look forward to doing it all over again. Hopefully what I learned in 2006 will make 2007 even better, but remember I'm not laying not one expectation in front of me…because I don’t believe in the disappointment that would naturally await me around the corner.

The year unlike any other has taught me if all else was how to live. I’ve done away with conventional wisdom and managed a wave of sorts as I passed by eccentric straight to my way of crazy. I leave no regrets behind. I took my ah ha moments as they came. I remembered how blessed I am. I turned the other cheek when necessary.

I always knew that my life would never be lived until I started living it. I also told myself that the only way I was going to learn from my mistakes was if I actually made them. Learning from my mistakes does not make me the fool that so many wise men may believe me to be. I want to recall the feelings from all the experiences of life. It does not matter how large or small the mistake is, what matters is that it is mine and how I handle my mistakes.

I created a larger than life image and lived behind the complete opposite, the Crazybeautiful that walks out the front door in the morning is not the Crazybeautiful that kicks off her shoes before she closes the door behind her in the evenings and curls up alone with a bottle of wine. I have always been a loner, but always appeared to be a loner that was in control, and so cool with the life she lived envied if anything (or at least I like to think).

I have some great moments to look back on from the year and some not so great ones. I got taken for a ride this year. I woke up one day and thought, hmm, wait a minute, did not sign up for this, but I never once asked for it to stop so I could get off or for it to slow down.

I have spent a greater part of the year wrestling with my engagement. I recently told myself that if I have to think about getting married and weighing options then it’s probably a bad idea. If it takes me longer than a second it’s a second too long. I don’t even know why. I need to stop lying to myself and if I just can’t figure it out there is no reason for me to drag this man into my web. I really need to be alone. Then I think well maybe if I get married everything will be okay. I can be content married and having children and living my life with this man. Those thoughts are often followed by waking in sweat soaked linens for fear that I will look back five years from now I think that I was the biggest mistake you made.

Lets make this clear for the one-hundredth time, I am not big on commitments of any kind, I do not and will not pass them out like candy on Halloween and if I do the only person they are going to is me.

Then I have the days when I don’t even want children and proclaim to the world that marriage is nothing short of a death sentence and you are better off finding a cell block calling your name.

I spent my time pawing over my decision with 360 degrees of perfection (aka my conscious). She tells me constantly that I just have to do it; I just have to be honest with him and lay it all on the line. That frightens me, but doing something I know is wrong before I do it frightens me even less. Huh? I feel like I’m going to disappoint so many people. I think I just had a moment. Me disappointing people, this is coming from a woman who firmly believes that humans should not place expectations upon others. I always tell others that we are never aware of the expectations that others set upon us and vice versa. It will be the most difficult thing I do and I’m sure I will go about this breakup in the most cowardly fashion that I can muster, the day slowly approaches were I will send back the ring and close that chapter of my life.

I’m on this Earth to do what I want to do (thank you mom for that advice).

I actually had contemplated ending things this summer. I had even begun to play out things in my head of how everything was going to go. Something happened and I just never did. Every time I think about it, he reminds me of why I feel in love with him in the first place, but I am unsure that those moments will keep us together forever. Or keep me around forever.

First thing I learned this year was how to use my feminine wiles that I suppose have always been inside of me, it just took 23 years for them to be unleashed. I have used it for both good and bad, though I have to say it was mostly for the bad (but that probably depends on who you ask). I am not about to give up before I perfect my craft.

Second, I finally started to rehash some deep seated family issues. Solving these problems will take time, but I have started to regain some feeling, which for me is a giant leap into the unknown to be discovered at a later date. Now that I think about it probably coincides with my next issue. I’m pretty sure my alcoholism gene was brought to light this year. A few months ago I know I was numbing the pain with drinking a bottle for dinner every night. I am not ready to deal with the issue and no one seems ready to stage an intervention. I think I have to lose my job and stop paying bills for people to take notice. So if anyone wants to set their clocks to that have at it, now is the time.

I have also embraced just how jaded I am. A friend of mine asked me if I was like this from birth. I smugly proclaimed, yes, even my mother can’t dispute it. Nothing makes me happy. And yet that does not make me sad, go figure.

I really have begun to know me. I like her, some people don’t and some do. Those with any sense have learned that with me you get the good and bad as you do with anybody who claims to be human.

Another revelation this year thanks to Charlie, “life is like a bear, you know its there, but you don’t want to look it in the eyes”. He was right about one thing. I will always look up, down, sideways, back ways and every other way I can bend, except for straight ahead. This just seems to prove that you never stop learning about life and thank God, I finally woke up and decided that I was going to start living and taking risks. I have yet to see the consequences of all my actions, but they will catch up with me.

Those who changed my life in 2006

I was editing a personal hero page the other day and I had before hand had nothing written down. There are some I admire, but I keep them close to my heart, weird my least favorite place to be. Who made the list, Strawberry Shortcake, Scooby-do, Stewart Griffin.

I kept a list of the men that brushed through my life this year. Strange, very strange, there were 23 in total. Before you even go there, I did not have sex with all of theses men. I want to jump the gun and say all of them taught me something, but am I really going to go throw all 23 and point out the one thing that they taught me, most lessons were by default like Chris no. 13. I thank you for teaching me that getting drunk, going back to your house and having sex with you and then puking in your room was something I would never like to do again. Then there is “Big D” who unintentionally (at least I believe) was that person who woke me up (at the core) to the fact that I have a life right in front of my eyes that I was not living. I learned to be myself around him and to go with the wind and let it all go, in a way I never have before. Before “Big D” I never had the feeling of life running through me. He gave me something that I will always carry with me.

These are not all the reasons why I’m not ready to get married, but a damn good start. I do not need to be some mans bride at 23 years old. I need to stop telling myself that if I don’t get married now that I never will.

As for Charlie, I can’t say whether I would like for that to end or continue. I actually depart from 2006 with him in my mind. In haste, I had written prior to this that when he left my place the first time, he took my heart with him. I had no idea months later that it really was the case. The good thing is that I can raise a smirk to my right cheek and say that Charlie did not leave a scare on my heart; he simply left me with a memory of him that I will silently recall in the years to come.

So, I carefully choose to not talk about the rest of them. Some I did create post about, but for the most part they came and went and I was okay with that. For me to be okay with that is like any other person saying they won the lottery. It means I can live my life the same as I did before I met them.

However there were no men that shook me to the core or rattled me from the inside out (shame, actually). Fortunately that is no longer the woman I am. Finding a man that brings me to my knees will never happen, and strike me now for saying that and it actually happening.

Going through this year was the best thing I could have done. I had never done this before. I say it was because I never had a reason, but how easy is it for that to be my answer.

One thing that I do posses is gratitude; rare coming from me and it may only happen this one time so read closely. I had an extraordinary childhood. By no means was it perfect, but as I look back it helped mold me into the person I see when I dare to look at myself in the mirror. Without my mom and dad that would have never been possible. Always the apple in my Fathers eye and the smile of pride on my Mothers face. So I am grateful to them and love them dearly. I may not like them all the time and do not top my favorite people list, but they are my parents and even though I believe that the world revolves around me, they make my world go round.

This year would have been nothing short of dull if it I lacked the presence of Erica, Snuffy, Hells Belle, 360 Degrees of Perfection & Faithy…my girls held the stitching together when at times I felt it was unraveling from the seams.

As in true fashion up until the last moment I will always find a way to even out do myself. The last two weeks have become a little nerve wracking for me. My mind scattered, past future and present all whizzing by in my mind, no thought ever settling longer than five seconds for me to contemplate my next move.

Before I knew it one problem solved. I managed to get through that without any battle wounds. I had to go and celebrate and to mark the occasion with is what to be the beginning of me finally coming into my own. I tend to always want to begin and end chapters of my life with a bang. For it is not my style to quietly tip toe politely around anyone. So at the last minute as the days and hours grew closer to 2007 another heart was here and gone.

Just saying anything short of a miracle would not be saying enough.

As I look into the bright lights of 2007, there is a full fledged commitment to myself to live above and beyond the days of the year that passed.

Carpe Diem.

It carries its weight in words.

Only God knows that I have finally come into my own. My own time to shine. Funny I’ve always thought that I was shining the entire time.

I hate to end on such a cliché of a note but the world is my oyster, and in this case it truly is.

What awaits me is the unknown…just the way I want it to be.

As this goes out into the world.

As tonight I board a plan headed somewhere, everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.

This is simply just the life of me. It could be grand in the eyes of some and minuscule in the eyes of others. Its just a day in the life in the eyes of me.

I don’t know what 2007 has in store for me. Rather I am looking for my last kiss or a life changing moment, an opportunity of a lifetime. I know that just like a chick hatching, I have to have a few spills before I spread my wings and leave the nest with success. I’ve fallen out countless times being ill prepared, but that just means when its time to soar my moment to fly will be that much sweeter.

Knowing that when I wake up in the morning it will be a new year, but not a new me.

Drank a bottle of wine.

lost the remote control

packed one lonely flip-flop and

ripped my nail off my toe with the refrigerator door.

I swear I’m going to AA right after all the booze in the house is gone.

The blogging juices have been stripped from my loins, can ya tell? Not to mention now that the semester is over and Christmas has come and gone I have been back to work, as in 10 hour work days. Oh yeah and I’m getting ready to head to the west coast in five days. I will spend the next two weeks in Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco and Portland. Just looking at the list is exhausting and I have to go into the LA office for a few days. I only get to spend a few days with the fiancé. I think it can be done and I hope I get to have some time to myself to just reflect. So there it is, everyone is all caught up with me at the moment.

I have to pack…yuck, yuck, yuck.

Oh yeah, did I mention it is the rainy season on the west coast, more yuck.

Overheard On My Cellphone

Hells Belle: Can I borrow something that I never plan on returning?
Cazybeautiful: Of course.
Hells Belle: Can I bum a smoke when you get here?
Crazybeautiful: I left my cigarettes at home.
Hells Belle: Damnit!
Crazybeautiful: I thought you were quitting?
Hells Belle: I’m going to buy a pack of cigarettes, shit!

There are some people in this world that you can't help but love. Hells Belle is definitely one of them.

Bacon & Wine

So…I’m not dead, but was pretty damn close to it. Anyway yesterday I finished my last final exam of the semester. I’ve been cracked out for weeks, literally studying and whatnot. I don’t have to worry about that place until sometime in January, which means I get to focus all of my energy on work and myself. As excited and beyond joy that I am I’m a little saddened. I’m leaving some great friends behind, I don’t doubt that we will never hangout again, but let me tell you when you have a class at 7 p.m. once a week for three hours you want some of the greatest people around to get through the night. Next semester will be my next, its as simple as that.

Back to the bacon and wine. Once home after that exhausting and grueling exam, I laid on the couch and passed out for the rest of the day. I finally got up around five and decided to clean my place, it has been awhile. I also did four loads of laundry. I also managed to pull a few Christmas decorations out of storage (another reminder never to let my mother touch my stuff) I pretty sure I inhaled things I shouldn’t have.

I also think that I have been forcing Christmas. I have randomly played music trying to get the spirit stirring in the air, I get nothing.

After cleaning my place from top to bottom, it was time for dinner, which consisted of bacon and wine. Then the best thing ever happened I actually got a full nights rest without any cares in the world.

Maybe Its Just Me

In fact I know its just me or at least it always seems to be.
A friend of mine posted this on one of the many networking sites...which have accomplished nothing except to add to the procrastination of college students around the world. For some reason I think this is the last thing that I want. I might be bitter and jaded (ok, so I am). I mean sure it sounds great and I don't doubt that it doesn't exist. But things like this are always posted by people who are waiting for some damn Prince Charming. Will somebody please wake them up and explain to them that it only happens in fairy tales.

This is for the girls who want to:

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says,".....that's her."

Big Love and a Hot Doc

Okay, so I have not fallen off the earth but pretty damn close.

First of all thank you NotCarrie and Wombat for caring, I am human once again though it did take some time. I feel so loved.

So, my little visit to the doctor Tuesday afternoon. My doctor was not in and I had to go to the family clinic thing at the hospital (how I hate the healthcare system, but I shall not digress). I go, fill out paper work, loved the receptionist by the way, I knew that she was just doing her job and don’t care how ill I was, though I thought more than once about leaving her a present allover her and the reception desk. I could have made a pretty mess. Anyway, I had my mom drive me because the room was still spinning. I go back to see the doctor and I told her she could come back, it wasn’t like I was getting a pap smear or anything. So I get there and the nurse has to weight me….uh…what? No one said this was part of the plan. I don’t do the weigh-in thing, sensitive subject and I’m sick which brings my usual unpleasant disposition from an 8 to a 16 (this is from a scale of 1-10). So I get in there, the doctor comes in, HOTTIE, are you fucking kidding me, how do I end up with such a hot ass doctor. He makes some small talk…yeah trying to get to know me blah blah blah to the diagnosis, please. I was nausea so he asked if I was pregnant.

No I say (remember my mother is still in the room)

Are you sure you are not pregnant?

Positive, I say.

Is there any slight chance you could be?

No no no no no no no, I say, again.

So only by immaculate conception…yeah, next subject doc.

Alive...and barely kicking

I think its safe to say that for the next two weeks there will be some very light posting going on. So, yeah! Um…I’m dying as of sometime around 3 a.m. everyone had been sick and I was no exception. It was awful; my body was uncontrollably heaving and I had the chills. I finally managed to crawl back in bed and get a few hours of sleep. At 6 a.m. this morning I still had two papers that are incomplete and due Tuesday. As of right now I still have two papers that are incomplete and due Tuesday. I did attempt to go to school today and get work done. I sat down at a table opened my laptop and pretty much was holding on for dear life. After a lot of poking and prodding and much to my dismay I was convinced I needed to go home and get some rest. So I did I just woke up a little while ago and I do feel a lot better. I just hope its enough to get me through the night.