the serenade

I am so fuckin weak! If just once I would be as strong as I always preach things might actually be different for me. I seriously thought I needed to go back to the emergency room when I heard “Big D” outside of my window on his harp. And there I stand in a t-shirt and panties peeking throw my blinds and running from room to room just to get a better a view. It was one of those moments when my mind has to spring into action and I have to think on my feet (boo, not a fan at all!). I need to say something. What do I say? I should go out there. Where are my shoes? Oh shit where are my pants? You know all of my usually antics that provide me not to think so clearly on a daily basis.

So I call him.

Me: Why are you outside of my apartment?

Big D: Why don’t you come outside and find out?

Me: Well, I was planning on it, but I was just making sure I wasn’t hallucinating again.

I went outside and he said he wanted to make peace on the whole situation and to spend some time together. I was adamant, but willing. He took me to Buckingham Fountain. He talked about how he couldn’t make up his mind earlier this summer and that he realized that his ex was just that his ex. OK HEAD IS SPINING AT THE POINT. OF ALL THE GUYS AND WE’RE TALKING 15 AND COUNTING THIS IS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS EVER MADE ME THINK WHAT IF. AND NOW I’M THINKING WHAT THE FUCK! He talked about how his trip was really all about him finding himself and something he needed to do before he really settled down into whatever life was ready to offer him, blah, blah, blah (just kiss me at this point). I told him that I was more frustrated then hurt. I had no expectations of him and me and that I still didn’t. I really opened my heart to him Monday night, like I have never done before. He understood and really listened to me and I tried my best to listen to him. No conclusions were made that night, we just said what we had to say to each other and left it at that. However, I do have a ticket to San Fransico this weekend to see him play at the Blues Fest there. I just don't know if I'm going to get on the plane or not.